Posted by Avrohom ben Mordechai on August 28, 2005 at 17:36:03:
My Secret Life
Written by Avrohom ben Mordechai
"I went to yeshiva with you. I davened next to you. You were my chavrusa (classmate). I danced at your chassenah (wedding). You wondered when you would dance at mine. I never dared to utter to you, my dear friends, my parents, my Rebbeim (Rabbis), my community, that I had a secret life...."
I went to yeshiva with you. I davened next to you. You were my chavrusa (classmate). I danced at your chassenah (wedding). You wondered when you would dance at mine. I never dared to utter to you, my dear friends, my parents, my Rebbeim (Rabbis), my community, that I had a secret life.
My life of shame began at an early age. Why had Hashem (G-D) punished me by having attractions to other men? Being in an all-boy yeshiva just made the matter worse. I found myself having homosexual thoughts. I spent more and more hours praying to Hakodosh Boruch Hu (the Creator) that He would help me change to the person that I wished to be. I didn't care whether it was right or wrong for other people, it was not right for me, and the life I wished for.
Thoughts of homosexuality were one level, but after so many years of struggling with frustrations, I began to act on these thoughts. The aveirot (sins) were disgusting to me, yet I had no way of stopping them. My yetzir hora (obsessive impulse) was out of control and eventually it became like an addiction to a drug that I felt I was powerless to stop.
Discussing the problem with the people I loved was not an option for me because I feared that if I revealed my secret life, my friends and family would grow to hate me, even as I hated myself. I was so ashamed yet I lived a secret double life like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don't think you ever knew.
I do not remember the day that Hashem performed a modest miracle on my behalf, boruch Hashem (blessed is His name). It was the day I found a therapist who would work with me to help me on the long and arduous process of changing my sexuality to one that I was more comfortable with. It took many years of self-examination and introspection for something to shift within me, to repair the profound emotional wounds that drove my actions and desires.
It makes me laugh (yet cry) when I read that the media thinks it is impossible to heal a broken sexuality. It was not easy by any means, but to me it was the biggest endeavor of my life. I did not think that change was possible, but through perseverance and emunah (personal faith), I was ultimately startled to find out that it was possible to change. Even through my unworthiness, Hashem blessed me with gradual healing and then introduced me to my basherta (soul mate).
Then came the day when you danced at my chassenah and you didn't even know that I had been through hell and back while right in front of your eyes. I wonder how many other Jews suffer in this toxic silence of shame?
It is with this in mind that I address the recent heated debate on "homosexuality and Halacha (Jewish law).” It is a good thing to discuss this which has been so taboo. I believe that it is the beginning of healing this serious and dangerous epidemic that afflicts more yeshiva students (as well as other members of the Jewish community) than anyone has dared to imagine!
Rather than debate the minutia of Halacha, which is rather clear-cut, I encourage our Rabbeim to remember two things: First, this kind of change is possible, and please have rachmones (empathy) on the afflicted. Second, there are B'nei Yisroel (Jewish people) out there who do not revel in their "queerness," but rather are suffering alone and want help to do t'shuva (repentance and return).
JONAH, Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality, is a group I fully support based upon my personal experience. JONAH helps those silent strugglers who wish to change as well as offers support to families who have been devastated by this issue. They understand that homosexuality is not an identity but rather a learned behavior pattern, which can be unlearned.
Avrohom ben Mordechai
This board is not in use
Name : E-Mail : Subject :
Comments: Optional Link URL : Link Title : Optional Image URL:
If you press "Preview Message," you are taken to a preview screen where your
message is shown to you before allowing you to post it.
Your message is not finalized until you click "Post Message".
Bible Talk Message Board
Copyright © 2005. All rights reserved.